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reaching to the infinity ~
What's been lingering in my mind... // In the mood to write 
9 Apr, 2014
Ever had that one friend who always needed to be back home before everyone else and their only way home was a lift from a friend?
That would end up with inconveniencing them at a party, casual hangouts etc.

Well... I'm that friend as of lately. It's not like I want to be either...
It upsets me because I feel that I ruin the fun for my friends because I need to be back home 'early',

It scares me that my friends might secretly resent me.

Wow, I wrote that months ago and decided not to upload the post. It seems like LJ autosaved the draft. I'm going to leave it up there, it's not like people read my blog anyway. I wonder if my friends even know that I have a blog that I have neglected for a very long time. A really long time.

Anyway, I decided to write because... I simply feel like it. What's been happening in my life so far?
Hmmmm, I'm into my second year of University. That's right, I'm a tertiary student! I'm currently in the midst of applying for the Japanese exchange program. I got my application approved by my Uni and now I'm filling out the paperwork for Saitama University so I can get that approve as well. I really hope Saitama University accepts me... no Yamahaki. Don't think about it, you have worked way too hard to get to this point. I should be more confident in myself. This whole process of doing exchange (btw the exchange program would happen in early Oct 2014) is exciting, stressful, daunting but I know it will be worth it in the end.

Well that's enough about the academic side of my life, I'm going to talk about for the first time on this blog.... my love life.
More like my non-existent love life, what a joke. Don't get me wrong, I have had.. crushes..? Do people even used that word anymore? *laughs* My most recent one would be my closest guy friend. Let's call him 'Jay', long story short I realised I had feelings for Jay back in Oct 2012. This secret I had kept inside me was weighing me down really bad, it was so bad to the point where I avoided him. In the end,  I confessed to him in July 2013. I got rejected (friend zoned) and one thing led to another.... I gave him a kiss on the cheek. It was big deal to me because he was the first guy I gave a kiss, be it on the cheek or lips. I think I'm a romantic at heart but I'm still waiting for that 'first kiss' to happen. *laughs* I'm a late bloomer, don't judge me! Another thing, at the time I was hoping he would reject me. Having feelings for someone does not mean you're ready to be in a relationship. That was me. I was deathly afraid of being in a relationship, at this point I'm still not ready. I kind of blame my parents with my whole outlook on relationships. I still have a great friendship with Jay, we still get along well and we tend to Skype with each other since our schedules make it hard for us to catch up.
Do I still have feelings for him? After being rejected by him, I did have lingering feelings for him. I felt like a pre-teen all over again. Ugh, how embarrassing. I can gladly say that I don't have feelings in that way anymore. I still care for him like how I care for my girlfriends immensely. It was hard trying to get over those feeling for him but I just needed time.

Right now, I'm content with what I have and I'm going to focus on self-discovering myself. I believe that I need to be away from family and friends to do this and so these months ahead will exactly help me.

Whew! My longest and serious post I've written on this blog! I should stop here and go and give my face some TLC.
I don't know when I'll write next but if I have an urge to write then I'll be here again.

Yamahaki out.
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